How Do You Learn What Family Means?

November 28, 2012 By MomLifeToday

Two years ago today we officially became a family. What a whirlwind it was becoming parents a second time!
To us parents, that meant something … family. It meant a new son, one we don’t know well yet, but now the eldest child in our family. It meant that we would love him, care for him, feed him, provide for him, teach him, discipline him, and guide him.
As parents, it meant as a family we would go on vacations together, attend school functions, help him with his homework and drive him places to participate in events. It would mean disagreements, saying no, listening to painful parts of his past, and knowing we were not there for his growing up years. We had expectations, but, tried to keep them in check.
To him, family meant something completely different. It didn’t really mean anything. It didn’t mean security or safety, love or provision. Family meant pain and fear, uncertainty and the unknown. People had always left him.  No one took care of him, and no one protected him. And suddenly he was going to a new country, a new culture, encountering new languages, new rules, and a new family.
Holidays and anniversaries are wonderful times for us, full of tradition and memories, fun and time together. For him, they are reminders of the pain of the past and the unknown of the future. Will this family really care for me? What does love mean? Will they keep me?
Last year, celebrating one year as a family was not a time of fun and excitement. It was a hard time for everyone. Though, one year is a very short time to have been a family. This year things are different. They’re better. It’s been a hard year, but things are improving. It was a hard summer with a lot of extended family that caused a lot of heartache for Jian and for us. Being together seems so joyful to us, and yet it’s a constant reminder of what he never had, and he feels left out and uncertain.
He anticipates trips and doing something new, but, being with family does not stir up feelings in a positive way for him. He doesn’t necessarily know what he feels, but it’s a mixture of pain, anxiety, sadness, anger, happiness and more. We’re always hoping and praying that by continuing to spend time with family and friends it will help him improve and see what family truly means.
I thought about writing this post at the end of summer when we were struggling and getting ready for school to start. I never got around to it.
Then, four weeks ago Jian broke his arm in his first high school football game. He needed emergency surgery to repair the broken bones with plates and screws. He then developed compartment syndrome that required four days in the hospital and two additional surgeries, including a skin graft from his thigh. The road back to health is going to be a long one, but, the benefits to our relationship are immeasurable! We both stayed with him in the hospital almost non-stop, we had many friends and family come to visit, send cards and food and gifts.
He began to realize THIS is family. We cried and hurt with him, we took care of him, washing his hands and feet, literally and figuratively. He was able to see what love really meant. Despite his pain and not being able to sign with his dominant hand, he was full of thankfulness to everyone who helped him, from the trainers on the field, to those who brought his food and cleaned his room. It was amazing to see that this is who he really is. Even with uncontrollable pain, he was gracious and kind.
Through this time of struggle, he is recognizing what it means to be loved. The first two weeks after his injury were the best we’ve had in the last two years. What seems like what may have been the worst thing to happen to him has been one of the best things in our relationship. What an amazing blessing! Hidden in what was once one of my greatest fears (I’ve always been afraid that one of my boys would break an arm and due to their deafness, would be unable to communicate). We know that we will still struggle and have difficulties, but, we are so thankful for God’s grace and provision through this time.
Even in the midst of hardship and pain, family is becoming so much sweeter. We’re so thankful that we’ll have a special and memorable time of celebrating two years together tonight!


About Shelly
Shelly Bergeron is wife to an amazing husband, and a proud mother to two sons who are deaf. Her first son was adopted through foster care, and her second son was adopted from China. She has been a CASA volunteer and was co-founder of a local pet therapy organization. Shelly’s husband is Dr. Jon Bergeron, Director of Hope for Orphans FamilyCare and she regularly volunteers at Hope for Orphans.